I've noticed that the older I get, the more frequently I find myself in socially awkward situations. I use to be very comfortable and confident when speaking with others (at least adults). Although, talking with humans my age has never come easy. Somehow, I would usually be able to come up with a microscopic amount of "normal" conversation that most teens/young adults would be interested in. Then, I would pretend that I gave a rat's ass about who was dating who, or which selfie was like-worthy, in order to find some common ground. It's almost as if, conversing with people was a talent I possessed for a moment and then lost.
The root of this issue may be very deep. Maybe I lost some confidence. Perhaps a prolonged time period of of including alcohol in socialization, impaired my ability to speak with ease and competence, while sober. I'm not really sure. It's possible that I simply hadn't yet experienced some of the people and circumstances this life can throw at you. I've learned you can't be prepared for everything...
So, I didn't have a ton of friends my age. We've concluded that. When I was about 20, I had a really good friend who lived in the neighborhood. We enjoyed a lot of the same things. We would read together, walk, talk, drink coffee (she'd always make it fresh by the cup and mix in rich cream), discuss books... It was great. I must have been a fairly normal 20 yr. old, then right? Wrong. This friend of mine was 80 something. She was awesome! She had the spunk of a 20 yr. old, but also the wisdom that only someone who's lived and made mistakes can have. I was blessed to call her a friend, I know that. However, even though I had a couple young girlfriends, I felt the need to relate to more people my age.
I was and still am, a huge rollerblader. Not like I get fancy with it... But I can maintain a vertical position. (After years of experience, you too, will learn to avoid fresh asphalt.) Anyhow, I was blading around my neighborhood one day, when I saw some guy cleaning his truck. It was a nice GMC and I am a sucker for trucks. He also had two dogs outside with him. If that wasn't proof enough of his worthiness of being added to my mental "possible consideration, keep watching" list... A slight peek in the garage sealed the deal. He had a crotch rocket! After a couple more days of premeditatedly crossing paths, I decided to talk to him. I asked him about his dogs and of course, my love of dogs became exaggerated, so we planned a walk with our canines.
The walk went alright and I was able to dig deep and pull out the "normal" conversation topics. So, there was another outing and we went to Dairy Queen. It was on the way there, that I figured out why this man was single. He had kind of a squarish head... No- I don't think that's why he was single. We (very much including myself) all have physical imperfections; I'm not that shallow. It was the size of this man's head that was the problem... He informed me that I was "lucky" that he went out with me on this particular evening. You also, might be confused. The reason I was lucky was because it was raining... And when it rains (he explained), he doesn't like to take his baby out because it would get rain spots. Seriously?
Excuse my bluntness, but... What a weirdo. Who buys a truck and doesn't take it out in the rain? It only got worse when I asked what he does in winter. "Doesn't it get dirtier in winter?" I asked. "Yes, it's quite stressful. Sometimes, I think about getting a beater car so I can drive that instead," he responded.
I can be critical, but I told myself I had to cut the guy some slack. Everyone has odd quirks and peeves. I think we went out one other time. Then I got a text message.
"Did you put a bouquet of roses in my mailbox?"
"Umm... No, I didn't," I replied. (I had not.) Then he went on...
"Are you sure you didn't? There were roses in my mailbox..."
OK. Too far, dude.
Human #1. You. It's you that's awkward.
On to the next. I frequent the local Wal-Mart. I was in the check-out line one day and I heard something behind me. It surprised me because I usually notice newcomers in my peripheral. This one snuck up on me. He said hello and I replied politely. Abruptly and unexpectedly, this man told me I was pretty. Then he continued, "like out of a magazine", which I responded to with nervous giggles. I hadn't done anything special and I knew I looked very ordinary. That would have been a nice little ego-booster if he had left it at that. Except, he tried to keep the conversation going by informing me that "age was just a number" and asking, "Can I give you mine?" Not sure how to answer, I said, "What?" and he told me he was just trying to be friendly. Feeling some distorted need to make sure he wasn't uncomfortable, I brushed it off and said, "No, you're fine... Not a lot of strangers talk to each other much these days." (At this point, I was wishing I hadn't picked an aisle that had a lady price-matching each of her 20 different flavors of yogurt. This process was only seconds - I'm sure, but it seemed to take years.) I was moments away from insisting that I pay full-price for the woman's damn yogurt, when I sensed this stranger still looking at me. Finally, the price-match queen finished. I anxiously moved forward, when the cashier asked if I wanted a bag. "No, I can carry it for you," the man chimed in. Flight was in full swing when I spit back, "No, I'll take that bag!" I B-lined 'er for the door, as his words chased after, "Are you sure you don't want me to carry that?!" No Sir... I think I can manage my one item.
Human #2. I appreciate interactions with strangers. But don't make others feel it's necessary to take an alternate route home. I think this one's on you.
My third and last story also takes place at Wal-Mart. I was turning to go down the candy aisle, when I saw one of my neighbors, Igor. (Igor isn't his real name. It's a special nickname my mother came up with because of his great stature.) He said hello as did I, although I wasn't really sure if it was him because my contact prescription was nearing it's end. It was him; he spotted me in the applesauce aisle and started some small talk. All was well at first. We discussed how our family's Christmas went, what was in his cart, and then he mentioned that he was going out of town. I tried adding to the conversation by commenting on his cat litter. "Have you noticed your house smelling at all, now that you have cats? That's one reason I never wanted cats." (Obviously, I couldn't spare this occasion to share my opinion and my dislike for felines. Why must I always share all my thoughts?!) Then, there was a twinkle of silence. I could feel my face getting red (something that started to plague me about two years ago, whenever I get uncomfortable). I could tell it was happening because it felt warm and not only that, he looked down and away from me. I can only wonder what he was thinking, "Woah... What do I do? That's embarrassing. Does she have a crush on me? She's overheating! Maybe if I look away from her, she'll return to her normal color."
I find silences agonizing. Since gaining this tomato-like talent, I have heard that drinking liquids is the best immediate remedy. That could work at home, but what am I supposed to do, get a customized holster or carry a fanny pack of water around?
Human #3. Me. That was definitely me.
I'm starting to think that we're too hard on ourselves. Maybe we are all a little awkward. Maybe people think we are, but maybe they don't. Maybe they like your shade of red. It's difficult to know what others think. Then again, why should we care so much? Like my mother likes to remind me, it's none of my business what others think of me. So, let's give ourselves a break. I think you're jussst fine :)
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