Holla!
It's been awhile! I have been doing a lot of searching and thinking lately. Actually, I think all this thinking is what took me on my little weekend journey. Sometimes you just have to get out of town, you know? Clearing the mind is important.
So off I went. I took a drive with no destination in mind. I just knew I was going to drive. Far away. Well, maybe just 2 hours southwest and then in a circle... But the point is, it was somewhere new. Somewhere that didn't make me think about all the stuff that was clouding my mind.
It wasn't long before I was engrossed in the scenery around me. Although it was all so beautiful, I couldn't deny the startling reality that no matter where I go - there I am. Part of what brought me on this escape is that I need to make some changes and some choices. Simple right? Wrong. This girl can't make a decision to save her life and if she does, she doubts if it was the "right" one. Same story with this drive... Unsure of what direction to go, I just drove.
Eventually, I found a peaceful place. It was a water lookout filled with happy fisher-people and a welcoming walking lane for a lonely girl. It was beautiful. I spent some time strolling, talking to a few men who were enjoying the weather. I even wrote a little. I parked my tush on a bench in the sun and it was peaceful. "Ahh... maybe this is just what I was looking for!" I thought. Until a spider crawled on my arm. I was outta there!
I had in my mind that I wanted to find somewhere small and quaint so I could think. I kept driving and found myself deciding that the small water town I had left, was my best option. So I went back. I saw a little motel and I rented the last room. I got the keys and to my horror, I walked into a dark room that wasn't big enough for the furniture and even worse - had wood-paneled walls. Eeeewww. "What's going to be in this bed with me? Am I going to get scabies? What are the stains on these sheets?" is all I could think. This certainly wasn't going to be peaceful.
I hadn't eaten yet... Why not get out of the Bates Motel and grab a bite? I found my way to the "main" street and walked past my options. There was a supper club, but I was not dressed for that so I went to the pub next door. There were tables and a bar. I sat down at the open side of the bar and ordered a drink and food. Before I knew it, I had a joiner. It was the man that had almost walked into me as I was walking in. He had a group of friends who accompanied him. He started talking to me and asked if I was all alone. He noticed that I had been sitting so quietly and felt obliged to talk to me and invite me to his table. How sweet?
I didn't want to interrupt their dinner. If you remember, I came on this trip to be alone. (Things don't always go the way you plan.) I politely chatted with him but passed up his invite. All was well. Except, after awhile he came back and started asking about me. I engaged in friendly conversation and then he asked what I like to do out in nature. I started to answer, "Oh, I like to walk... and rollerblade," but was soon interrupted with, "Do you ever like to watch the cranes mate?"
...What?
Hmm... That was different.
After hearing more, I don't think this guy meant to come off as a super creeper oddball. He just didn't preface his exceptional love for nature (in all it's details), real well.
I went back to my "home not-so-sweet-home," for the night. I couldn't sleep. Partly because I thought if I turned off the light, the girl-eating spider was going to come out, but mostly because the bouncy bed gave zero support. But speaking of "support," this made me think...
Support... I had gotten away like I wanted, but I missed that. Support. I had so much back at home.
I wanted to get out because I was in a mental rut. All I could see were the negatives. I saw the problems. I was thinking about the wrong things. I wasn't choosing to be grateful for all I have.
I didn't think this trip had done anything good. I wasted money on a shithole motel, I burned a bunch of gasoline, and I didn't feel I gained much clarity (besides the often neglected and unnoticed beauty of mating birds). But looking back, I think this "Kassy Date" reminded me to let go of things that are gone, and remember the ones who have stayed. And that's something.
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Thursday, December 29, 2016
One... Two... Three... Are you awkward? Or is it me?
I've noticed that the older I get, the more frequently I find myself in socially awkward situations. I use to be very comfortable and confident when speaking with others (at least adults). Although, talking with humans my age has never come easy. Somehow, I would usually be able to come up with a microscopic amount of "normal" conversation that most teens/young adults would be interested in. Then, I would pretend that I gave a rat's ass about who was dating who, or which selfie was like-worthy, in order to find some common ground. It's almost as if, conversing with people was a talent I possessed for a moment and then lost.
The root of this issue may be very deep. Maybe I lost some confidence. Perhaps a prolonged time period of of including alcohol in socialization, impaired my ability to speak with ease and competence, while sober. I'm not really sure. It's possible that I simply hadn't yet experienced some of the people and circumstances this life can throw at you. I've learned you can't be prepared for everything...
So, I didn't have a ton of friends my age. We've concluded that. When I was about 20, I had a really good friend who lived in the neighborhood. We enjoyed a lot of the same things. We would read together, walk, talk, drink coffee (she'd always make it fresh by the cup and mix in rich cream), discuss books... It was great. I must have been a fairly normal 20 yr. old, then right? Wrong. This friend of mine was 80 something. She was awesome! She had the spunk of a 20 yr. old, but also the wisdom that only someone who's lived and made mistakes can have. I was blessed to call her a friend, I know that. However, even though I had a couple young girlfriends, I felt the need to relate to more people my age.
I was and still am, a huge rollerblader. Not like I get fancy with it... But I can maintain a vertical position. (After years of experience, you too, will learn to avoid fresh asphalt.) Anyhow, I was blading around my neighborhood one day, when I saw some guy cleaning his truck. It was a nice GMC and I am a sucker for trucks. He also had two dogs outside with him. If that wasn't proof enough of his worthiness of being added to my mental "possible consideration, keep watching" list... A slight peek in the garage sealed the deal. He had a crotch rocket! After a couple more days of premeditatedly crossing paths, I decided to talk to him. I asked him about his dogs and of course, my love of dogs became exaggerated, so we planned a walk with our canines.
The walk went alright and I was able to dig deep and pull out the "normal" conversation topics. So, there was another outing and we went to Dairy Queen. It was on the way there, that I figured out why this man was single. He had kind of a squarish head... No- I don't think that's why he was single. We (very much including myself) all have physical imperfections; I'm not that shallow. It was the size of this man's head that was the problem... He informed me that I was "lucky" that he went out with me on this particular evening. You also, might be confused. The reason I was lucky was because it was raining... And when it rains (he explained), he doesn't like to take his baby out because it would get rain spots. Seriously?
Excuse my bluntness, but... What a weirdo. Who buys a truck and doesn't take it out in the rain? It only got worse when I asked what he does in winter. "Doesn't it get dirtier in winter?" I asked. "Yes, it's quite stressful. Sometimes, I think about getting a beater car so I can drive that instead," he responded.
I can be critical, but I told myself I had to cut the guy some slack. Everyone has odd quirks and peeves. I think we went out one other time. Then I got a text message.
"Did you put a bouquet of roses in my mailbox?"
"Umm... No, I didn't," I replied. (I had not.) Then he went on...
"Are you sure you didn't? There were roses in my mailbox..."
OK. Too far, dude.
Human #1. You. It's you that's awkward.
On to the next. I frequent the local Wal-Mart. I was in the check-out line one day and I heard something behind me. It surprised me because I usually notice newcomers in my peripheral. This one snuck up on me. He said hello and I replied politely. Abruptly and unexpectedly, this man told me I was pretty. Then he continued, "like out of a magazine", which I responded to with nervous giggles. I hadn't done anything special and I knew I looked very ordinary. That would have been a nice little ego-booster if he had left it at that. Except, he tried to keep the conversation going by informing me that "age was just a number" and asking, "Can I give you mine?" Not sure how to answer, I said, "What?" and he told me he was just trying to be friendly. Feeling some distorted need to make sure he wasn't uncomfortable, I brushed it off and said, "No, you're fine... Not a lot of strangers talk to each other much these days." (At this point, I was wishing I hadn't picked an aisle that had a lady price-matching each of her 20 different flavors of yogurt. This process was only seconds - I'm sure, but it seemed to take years.) I was moments away from insisting that I pay full-price for the woman's damn yogurt, when I sensed this stranger still looking at me. Finally, the price-match queen finished. I anxiously moved forward, when the cashier asked if I wanted a bag. "No, I can carry it for you," the man chimed in. Flight was in full swing when I spit back, "No, I'll take that bag!" I B-lined 'er for the door, as his words chased after, "Are you sure you don't want me to carry that?!" No Sir... I think I can manage my one item.
Human #2. I appreciate interactions with strangers. But don't make others feel it's necessary to take an alternate route home. I think this one's on you.
My third and last story also takes place at Wal-Mart. I was turning to go down the candy aisle, when I saw one of my neighbors, Igor. (Igor isn't his real name. It's a special nickname my mother came up with because of his great stature.) He said hello as did I, although I wasn't really sure if it was him because my contact prescription was nearing it's end. It was him; he spotted me in the applesauce aisle and started some small talk. All was well at first. We discussed how our family's Christmas went, what was in his cart, and then he mentioned that he was going out of town. I tried adding to the conversation by commenting on his cat litter. "Have you noticed your house smelling at all, now that you have cats? That's one reason I never wanted cats." (Obviously, I couldn't spare this occasion to share my opinion and my dislike for felines. Why must I always share all my thoughts?!) Then, there was a twinkle of silence. I could feel my face getting red (something that started to plague me about two years ago, whenever I get uncomfortable). I could tell it was happening because it felt warm and not only that, he looked down and away from me. I can only wonder what he was thinking, "Woah... What do I do? That's embarrassing. Does she have a crush on me? She's overheating! Maybe if I look away from her, she'll return to her normal color."
I find silences agonizing. Since gaining this tomato-like talent, I have heard that drinking liquids is the best immediate remedy. That could work at home, but what am I supposed to do, get a customized holster or carry a fanny pack of water around?
Human #3. Me. That was definitely me.
I'm starting to think that we're too hard on ourselves. Maybe we are all a little awkward. Maybe people think we are, but maybe they don't. Maybe they like your shade of red. It's difficult to know what others think. Then again, why should we care so much? Like my mother likes to remind me, it's none of my business what others think of me. So, let's give ourselves a break. I think you're jussst fine :)
The root of this issue may be very deep. Maybe I lost some confidence. Perhaps a prolonged time period of of including alcohol in socialization, impaired my ability to speak with ease and competence, while sober. I'm not really sure. It's possible that I simply hadn't yet experienced some of the people and circumstances this life can throw at you. I've learned you can't be prepared for everything...
So, I didn't have a ton of friends my age. We've concluded that. When I was about 20, I had a really good friend who lived in the neighborhood. We enjoyed a lot of the same things. We would read together, walk, talk, drink coffee (she'd always make it fresh by the cup and mix in rich cream), discuss books... It was great. I must have been a fairly normal 20 yr. old, then right? Wrong. This friend of mine was 80 something. She was awesome! She had the spunk of a 20 yr. old, but also the wisdom that only someone who's lived and made mistakes can have. I was blessed to call her a friend, I know that. However, even though I had a couple young girlfriends, I felt the need to relate to more people my age.
I was and still am, a huge rollerblader. Not like I get fancy with it... But I can maintain a vertical position. (After years of experience, you too, will learn to avoid fresh asphalt.) Anyhow, I was blading around my neighborhood one day, when I saw some guy cleaning his truck. It was a nice GMC and I am a sucker for trucks. He also had two dogs outside with him. If that wasn't proof enough of his worthiness of being added to my mental "possible consideration, keep watching" list... A slight peek in the garage sealed the deal. He had a crotch rocket! After a couple more days of premeditatedly crossing paths, I decided to talk to him. I asked him about his dogs and of course, my love of dogs became exaggerated, so we planned a walk with our canines.
The walk went alright and I was able to dig deep and pull out the "normal" conversation topics. So, there was another outing and we went to Dairy Queen. It was on the way there, that I figured out why this man was single. He had kind of a squarish head... No- I don't think that's why he was single. We (very much including myself) all have physical imperfections; I'm not that shallow. It was the size of this man's head that was the problem... He informed me that I was "lucky" that he went out with me on this particular evening. You also, might be confused. The reason I was lucky was because it was raining... And when it rains (he explained), he doesn't like to take his baby out because it would get rain spots. Seriously?
Excuse my bluntness, but... What a weirdo. Who buys a truck and doesn't take it out in the rain? It only got worse when I asked what he does in winter. "Doesn't it get dirtier in winter?" I asked. "Yes, it's quite stressful. Sometimes, I think about getting a beater car so I can drive that instead," he responded.
I can be critical, but I told myself I had to cut the guy some slack. Everyone has odd quirks and peeves. I think we went out one other time. Then I got a text message.
"Did you put a bouquet of roses in my mailbox?"
"Umm... No, I didn't," I replied. (I had not.) Then he went on...
"Are you sure you didn't? There were roses in my mailbox..."
OK. Too far, dude.
Human #1. You. It's you that's awkward.
On to the next. I frequent the local Wal-Mart. I was in the check-out line one day and I heard something behind me. It surprised me because I usually notice newcomers in my peripheral. This one snuck up on me. He said hello and I replied politely. Abruptly and unexpectedly, this man told me I was pretty. Then he continued, "like out of a magazine", which I responded to with nervous giggles. I hadn't done anything special and I knew I looked very ordinary. That would have been a nice little ego-booster if he had left it at that. Except, he tried to keep the conversation going by informing me that "age was just a number" and asking, "Can I give you mine?" Not sure how to answer, I said, "What?" and he told me he was just trying to be friendly. Feeling some distorted need to make sure he wasn't uncomfortable, I brushed it off and said, "No, you're fine... Not a lot of strangers talk to each other much these days." (At this point, I was wishing I hadn't picked an aisle that had a lady price-matching each of her 20 different flavors of yogurt. This process was only seconds - I'm sure, but it seemed to take years.) I was moments away from insisting that I pay full-price for the woman's damn yogurt, when I sensed this stranger still looking at me. Finally, the price-match queen finished. I anxiously moved forward, when the cashier asked if I wanted a bag. "No, I can carry it for you," the man chimed in. Flight was in full swing when I spit back, "No, I'll take that bag!" I B-lined 'er for the door, as his words chased after, "Are you sure you don't want me to carry that?!" No Sir... I think I can manage my one item.
Human #2. I appreciate interactions with strangers. But don't make others feel it's necessary to take an alternate route home. I think this one's on you.
My third and last story also takes place at Wal-Mart. I was turning to go down the candy aisle, when I saw one of my neighbors, Igor. (Igor isn't his real name. It's a special nickname my mother came up with because of his great stature.) He said hello as did I, although I wasn't really sure if it was him because my contact prescription was nearing it's end. It was him; he spotted me in the applesauce aisle and started some small talk. All was well at first. We discussed how our family's Christmas went, what was in his cart, and then he mentioned that he was going out of town. I tried adding to the conversation by commenting on his cat litter. "Have you noticed your house smelling at all, now that you have cats? That's one reason I never wanted cats." (Obviously, I couldn't spare this occasion to share my opinion and my dislike for felines. Why must I always share all my thoughts?!) Then, there was a twinkle of silence. I could feel my face getting red (something that started to plague me about two years ago, whenever I get uncomfortable). I could tell it was happening because it felt warm and not only that, he looked down and away from me. I can only wonder what he was thinking, "Woah... What do I do? That's embarrassing. Does she have a crush on me? She's overheating! Maybe if I look away from her, she'll return to her normal color."
I find silences agonizing. Since gaining this tomato-like talent, I have heard that drinking liquids is the best immediate remedy. That could work at home, but what am I supposed to do, get a customized holster or carry a fanny pack of water around?
Human #3. Me. That was definitely me.
I'm starting to think that we're too hard on ourselves. Maybe we are all a little awkward. Maybe people think we are, but maybe they don't. Maybe they like your shade of red. It's difficult to know what others think. Then again, why should we care so much? Like my mother likes to remind me, it's none of my business what others think of me. So, let's give ourselves a break. I think you're jussst fine :)
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
It's Gift Time
Here it is again... That time of year, when I stress to figure out what to buy people. I usually just focus on gifts for the people I care about, so that's not so bad. It's more of the "other" activities and the extra people you don't necessary plan on buying for, but tell you they want to meet up and give you your Christmas gift... Or the monetary expectations placed on us by our society, that agitates me. I felt the pressure last week, when I was politely pushed into a gift exchange for someone at one of my jobs.
However, this year I did something different. I told myself, "No! I do not have to do this," and I decided to be "that lady" who opted out. Yep, I faced the confrontation and will be the one person not in the circle of fake smiles and excitement over unwanted cup warmers.
I will say, I have found one way around the costliness of gifts during the holiday season: Use your resources. If you don't know what I mean, let me enlighten you.
I think it started back in forth grade. This wasn't for the holidays, rather that I had to do a presentation for my class. There was a quiz at the end, where I asked questions that my fellow students would try to answer. To make this snorish activity fun, I needed prizes. At age ten, pencils seemed like a good prize. I always had extra pencils, so it was perfect; I didn't have to spend any of my hard earned allowance. This would likely have been a forgettable moment in my life, if it weren't for one student's comment. When one of the winners walked up to me saying, "Excuse me... My eraser has been used..." it became memorable. He seemed slightly offended, but I was thinking - Hey, kid... You're lucky I hadn't sharpened that one yet. That's when I learned the talent of pretending not to hear, followed by the rapid engrossment in conversation elsewhere.
Or maybe it started before that...
Have you ever gotten a candle, soap, or lotion that you thought smelled nice at first, but found that you actually could not stand it for any length of time? No, it's not what you're thinking... I didn't regift any soap. It was perfume spray.
I just cannot stand to waste, if I can find another use for something. I was like this as a kid too. It's not like I gave 4/5 of a bottle of spray away as a gift. That would be tacky. No no, I couldn't do that. To mask the fact that I had... well, "sampled" the perfume, I filled up the rest of the bottle with water. Fool proof?
This method of gifting seemed to be working fine in my life, until one Christmas (not all that long ago), it caught up with me. I had received a lotion that was a well-known brand and actually quite expensive. The problem was, I have a sensitive nose and unfortunately, it gave me a headache. It was a flowery smell most women probably like, so I gave it to my friend as a small present. My younger sister was near when my friend graciously opened it. My sister has an honesty that is refreshing, to say the least. This honesty didn't fail, when she chose to share with my friend that I, "Got it as a Christmas gift, but didn't want it."
I'm going to blame this on unnecessary holiday gift exchanges. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. People stress about gifts. So... people buy other people shit they don't want. Those people re-gift, when they have too many people they feel obligated to buy for and don't know what to get. Let's stop the cycle!
Remember the reason for the season. Give a hug this year ;)
However, this year I did something different. I told myself, "No! I do not have to do this," and I decided to be "that lady" who opted out. Yep, I faced the confrontation and will be the one person not in the circle of fake smiles and excitement over unwanted cup warmers.
I will say, I have found one way around the costliness of gifts during the holiday season: Use your resources. If you don't know what I mean, let me enlighten you.
I think it started back in forth grade. This wasn't for the holidays, rather that I had to do a presentation for my class. There was a quiz at the end, where I asked questions that my fellow students would try to answer. To make this snorish activity fun, I needed prizes. At age ten, pencils seemed like a good prize. I always had extra pencils, so it was perfect; I didn't have to spend any of my hard earned allowance. This would likely have been a forgettable moment in my life, if it weren't for one student's comment. When one of the winners walked up to me saying, "Excuse me... My eraser has been used..." it became memorable. He seemed slightly offended, but I was thinking - Hey, kid... You're lucky I hadn't sharpened that one yet. That's when I learned the talent of pretending not to hear, followed by the rapid engrossment in conversation elsewhere.
Or maybe it started before that...
Have you ever gotten a candle, soap, or lotion that you thought smelled nice at first, but found that you actually could not stand it for any length of time? No, it's not what you're thinking... I didn't regift any soap. It was perfume spray.
I just cannot stand to waste, if I can find another use for something. I was like this as a kid too. It's not like I gave 4/5 of a bottle of spray away as a gift. That would be tacky. No no, I couldn't do that. To mask the fact that I had... well, "sampled" the perfume, I filled up the rest of the bottle with water. Fool proof?
This method of gifting seemed to be working fine in my life, until one Christmas (not all that long ago), it caught up with me. I had received a lotion that was a well-known brand and actually quite expensive. The problem was, I have a sensitive nose and unfortunately, it gave me a headache. It was a flowery smell most women probably like, so I gave it to my friend as a small present. My younger sister was near when my friend graciously opened it. My sister has an honesty that is refreshing, to say the least. This honesty didn't fail, when she chose to share with my friend that I, "Got it as a Christmas gift, but didn't want it."
I'm going to blame this on unnecessary holiday gift exchanges. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. People stress about gifts. So... people buy other people shit they don't want. Those people re-gift, when they have too many people they feel obligated to buy for and don't know what to get. Let's stop the cycle!
Remember the reason for the season. Give a hug this year ;)
Sunday, November 13, 2016
More to Come
Funny Stories are something I seem to have often. These are often related to guys, personal "mishaps" or clumsy circumstances I find myself in. These are part of what makes life good. I love to make people laugh and my mom (who is my biggest fan and greatest support) has told me many times she wishes I would write them down. So here it goes... I will write them here. Hopefully, they will be something others can relate to and if nothing else, they will bring a little giggle to your day. After all, life with laughter... It's just better :)
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